Thursday, March 30, 2006

Sexy Scrabble Player


Tuesday, March 28, 2006


adapt-o-bot at your services.
running low on cash? take the shelves out of
your big closet and call it a room..
ask $1600 for it and claim that if I pay less,
you wouldn't be able to live there.

no problem.
culturally adaptive,
fully modular unit.

can accomodate all life styles..
you're a lush, loser who hasn't gotten over childhood issues?
no problem, i'll smack you around- subtlely, you won't even notice it.

you're a 'professional' who wants to perpetuate the myth that
you're some kind of computer whiz because you are making over 6 digits
and your parents get confused when you describe your job duties?
no problem, i roll up in a landrover and we talk about post-dotcom crash
options like finding spirituality and finally doing what you really
wanted to do.

you're a new age, loving, healthy vegan (who lives in the city)?
no problem. adapt-o-bot takes you to Rainbow to shop for organic mushrooms
and always remembers to bring the cloth tote bags. i don't eat animals,
can discuss the bardo thodols and understand your wavering redefinition
of 'it's all good'.. even when your cool hippie friends are being condescending
snobs because their trustafarian, dreadlocked heads can't accept anything
outside of their elite 'beautiful' culture.

are you grease? indie rock forever, or the real thing?
i'm on the floor helping you fix a car, we chat over beers about
how shit was built better back in the day.

art scool unveiled? are you the real deal.. no bullshit?
willing to wash dishes to afford studio space? watch me
slide into your life like good sex, smooth entry- all your
friends think i'm cool already.. i know who you're 'supposed to'
know, and simultaneoulsy don't give a fuck. i got money for art
supplies. eventually, i become your favorite new art project.
i understand the need to use chemicals to dull your inhibitions,
just don't tweak.
i get what you do (or don't) if you want it to be that way.
your fantasy remains yours.

art school for the corporate sector?
graphic design for banner ads on the net? no prob. i get it,
you need to survive somehow or maybe that art shit was too tough?
fuck starving! you could meet someone and just settle down, right?
the job's benefits are good, right? i'm there to make you feel like
you still have a soul. adapt-o-bot keeps your house painted fucked
up colors, we never watch TV and discuss new media theory from a
grassroots perspective, we also talk about terrible hollywood movies'
special effects and 3d rendering technology when people from your job
are over for some obligatory social reason.

sports fan? like to get that testosterone on?
adapt-o-bot outjocks you. while you're in the room watching
football on the 'tele', i got espn, espn2 and 2 other stations, pictute
in picture projected on the backside of the house as my frat buddies
tend to the bbq and keg. no prob, you're still the star. i'm low key
but if you talk to me i've memorized all the stats.

are you not from the states? just arrived here from europe and think
americans suck? i can bond with you about the fact that you can't get
a proper cup of tea in this town and that americans are stupid becuase
they are self-centered, arrogant, bubble-gum chewing overweight fucks.
i'm fluent in 4 languages. i can even impress your euro friends with
my knowledge of underground electronic music and cross my legs like a
lady when i sit. i never wear white socks.
or perhaps you are latin? i got that soul too. don't worry. i can
work 3 women on the dancefloor and just ride, cruisin holmes. we eat lunch
at 3pm on sundays and it lasts until the sun goes down. life is good.

u 'down with the scene'? 'no, man, like you don't know,
i've been down forever and shit.' it goes waaay back. 'yo- old school 4 reals'.
but that doesn't matter, the new going out is staying in. house music
sucks. minimal techno takes the mtv award 2002. it's all about AI, plants
and beats.. realtime graphics so we don't have to do anything anymore and let
the real voices be heard. or is it about linn drums distorted as fuck
because i'm coming off raw-like?
hmmm.. adapt-o-bot's got range of motion.
this sector is shared. as your modular roommate you get to use my studio as long as you keep the weed coming and know when to fuck off because i'm wrecking shit on my gear. or i can switch into sophisticated 20th century new composer mode. forget stockhausen and his graphical scores, i've got realtime 3d spatially mapped compositional structures made in LISP that stockhausen would never admit were cool because he's chilling in sirius.

bopping hip hop? i got break records from 87. adapt-o-bot is always
cool. not one to interfere with your steez. in fact, i enhance it.
we cruise in the navigator with the dvd players locked on some raw,
Japanese DMC championship, whatever- just in the background.. we're
rocking our own cannbibal ox remix over the 20's. one to never play
wack music at home and to constantly elevate thoughts, attitudes,

plane jane. word. laura ashley is cool with me. i'm adapt-o-bot,
it would be fine if you left your stuffed animals in the living room.
i want them to feel at home.

Sunday, March 26, 2006


72 inches
140 lbs
36 bust
30 waist
35 waist
420 not
69 friendly
9-5 job
6 1/2 shoe
1 ex
1 dog
1 cat
2 sisters
2 brothers
4 tickets
1 house
0 disease
20/20 vision
2 cars
1 bike
2 computers

Friday, March 24, 2006

Sorry to the Young Man at the Train Station

i accidently looked up (i really didn't mean to) and you said hi and started to introduce yourself. now i'm very friendly in the right situations, but i've noticed a trend in my life where i get picked up on by very young, and often very persistent men (such as yourself ) all too often, now i know, i shouldn't really complain-- it IS flattering and I'm told i look young for my old, old, old age -- did i mention i'm old? i was actually one of those old young people, but now that i'm getting older it seems i'm getting younger, strange- i know-- but when i realized it was happening again the words came out before i thought about it . .

"i'm reading"

What a crime to humanity it is (i know, i know!!) when these are the first words to come out of my mouth in response to a self introduction that occurs on a bench surrounded by strangers (some of whom might or might not be a) a bit unusual or b) making odd noises..) Please keep in mind that i am the only girl on a bench with three other guys sitting nearby in an isolated area of the train station ( i didn't plan it exactly and although i'm not USUALLY so uptight but they do air those announcements about being aware of your surroundings at the station, right?)

You then proceeded to be even nicer, stood up to leave and said that you had really just wanted to tell me that i was beautiful. Wow. Then I couldn't say anything because it was even stranger then and well.. what could I say?! I know, many gracious things that never occur at the right moment. I was very flattered. Why didn't I just say, thanks, you too. Or how about, hi, my name is____ would you like to woo me here amidst all the strangers? Maybe we can sneak behind one of these handy ivory looking pillars and discuss your honorable intentions towards me now that we've met at the train station?

Well... this is the part where i always get in trouble. some guy goes out of his way for me and i remorselessly squash the attempt because i'm busy and the phrase some of you '"act like a got a sign my ass that says harrass me" does apply sometimes, so maybe you can see where i'm coming from. It's kind of a hard twist, but you have to understand how hard it is to be a girl out on public transport alone sometimes.. truth be told, you were probably the nicest guy who sat on the bench, but I don't know that and "a stranger is a stranger" and what is more, "niceness" comes in so many different forms, some of them more clingy than others (which is to be avoided at train stations in case you didn't know).

I would give you an A for attempt (everyone get's one if they try), another A for your smile, but a F for venue and a D for pronounciation. You really have to work on that, i just want to tell you to be nice, because i kinda thought you might still be trashed from Saturday night from the way you spoke (which was partially what startled me into my silence in the first place) but anyway..

Now i would normally grade myself on my own response here, but i never took the "how to get hit on correctly" class and as it appears, i have really bad manners in that area (which is admitedly a terrible, terrible thing) and i can't stand getting bad grades, so I will simply appologize and wonder how i can just say thank you next time or maybe smile bigger, but screw it don't I have a certain right not to get hit on in certain situations (can you just smile at me or something?).. or go ahead .. say something to me.. but don't ask for anything like.. my name or my phone number.. and for crying out loud, don't hit on me then ask for change..

. . .okay.. so here's my long story short: if you're the right guy and it's the right moment, maybe we have something to work with and i love to meet both men AND women - but as my mother tells it, she once quipped to a man trying to pick her up on the street, "Don't try to get fresh with me" and laughed. What a crack up she is sometimes-- but this is the same lady who I once saw grapple with a mugger for her purse and send the dumbass running down the street. So you see I am not the girl you're looking for. . . not only am I leary, but my 27+ honorary 10 or so extra years of experience imbibe me with a certain amount of weariness to boot. You seemed sweet (and maybe not drunk?) as you walked away whoever you were, next time you may have better luck if you try to be a little more aware of the kind of place you try to meet us girls in before you lay it all out there ok? It's not all our responsibilty to take care of your feelings, it is our responsibilty to take care of ourselves.

For my part, next time i'll try to be nicer about it and try not to worry if it's not exactly the perfect moment so much. But it might help us solve this ongoing (says hi / doesn't say hi / acts stuck-up or whatever) issue if more guys can remember, if you can't catch the girl in the right situation, maybe you shouldn't try to catch her. If a girl seems open to it, go for it! Otherwise, respect a girls' space (mental and physical) and just be glad her kind are free to roam the earth.


Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The contraction of 'you are' is 'you're,' not 'your.'

You're not trying to "peak" interest, you're trying to "pique" interest.

You're probably not looking for a "discrete" relationship, you philandering buttwipe, because you don't know what "discrete" means. You're looking for a "discreet" relationship.

One female human is a "woman," not a "women."

People who make these errors should not be having sex.

Monday, March 20, 2006

You Ruined My Poo

Yes that's right you ruined my poo. I don't know if it's always you, but after today I imagine it is. Everyday I go to the toilet after lunch to take a nice enjoyable crap. I walk in and if no one is in there I enter a stall pull out a couple butt gaskets, wipe down the seat, drop my pants and plant my ass comfortably on the seat.

I relax and let the poo fall out. I of course then do the courteous thing and flush making sure I or no one else has to stew in my stink. Just when I feel some more poo about to fall you come in. I let it fall and promptly perform the courtesy flush. Why? Because I don't want to sit and smell it so down it goes. You enter the stall. Not just any stall you have to pick the one next to mine! Why!? There are 2 others further away and you choose the one next to me! I'm bothered, but not quite finished yet so I stay there . I now try to speed up the process. Without making great grunting noises I move things along. You on the other hand don't care what noises come out of you. What did you eat!? Geze! it sounds like you're going to blow the bowl away right out from under your ass!. Grunting and breathing deeply through your whistling nose. It hits the water and you don't flush!! Please Please!!! Learn to flush!! The smell of course reaches my stall and you don't seem to care. You like your own brand I guess, but why subject everyone else to it? Flush damn it!

Quickly I'm trying to finish when I hear your phone ring. To my great surprise you bloody answer it. You answer the phone while you're sitting on the crapper, geze what the heck is wrong with you? So there I am finishing up and listening to you talk on the phone. Can the other person not hear the resonance of the bathroom? Do they not hear the occasional fart rip into the hollow of the bowl? What could you possibly be thinking? What could they be possibly be thinking? Not just any call it sounds like a freaking business call, not your wife, not your girlfriend, not your boyfriend not your mom, but a freaking business call.."yes Phil, I'll send you an e-mail regarding the figures on the Marconi account".

It is at that moment I decide. I finish and before you can hang up I have made the decision. I want the caller to know what kind of freak you are. I decide to just do it.

I flush!! The glorious sound reverberates throughout the room. Before I know it I do it again.

there you bastard! Maybe that will learn you.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Returned With Only One Word

I emailed you to tell you how great you are. How you open up
new worlds to me.

I emailed you to tell you how I admire your grace, how you make me feel

I emailed you to tell you that you had my love, that I couldn't
think of any better place to put it.

And you returned my love with one word:

Saturday, March 18, 2006

A Singing Refrigerator

So I move into my new home last week, ...forget it.

Net-net: I am selling my singing refrigerator. Yes, it sings. It sings when it wants to, and whatever it wants to. Though, with some patience and proper training, you could have it singing Sinatra, Beatles, or use it as a gag on your friends when they come over ...and have it belt out something disgusting, like Dave Matthews or Celine Dion. Why does the caged frige sing? It's lonely, tired, and perhaps bored. More so, it's probably a bad blower motor, or the seminifreous tubloidial freon distributor regulator thingee-bob.

It gets along with other appliances, and is housetrained. In fact, it sings in a variety of languages including cat talk and dog speak. My cat has a lovely 3 AM call-and-answer duet session with it at times.... reminds me of Louis Armstrong & Ella doin' Porgy & Bess. Though I can't guarantee the appliance will perform any Gershwin upon ownership change.

It's model is circa-82... so hey, all you retro-slaves in the Mission who are currently re-living '78... you'll be good to go in a couple years when the 80's comes in, in your Bugle Boys serving Malibu jello shooters out of your refrigerator which has since learned Billy Ocean (the B sides).

Friday, March 17, 2006

Help.......Oh god...Somone....Help

....please...can't...stop......must look on..blogger....
can't stop...need help....oh GOD PLEASE no don't...make me post...another blog entry...
can't possibly...answer anymore...comments....fingers getting...weak......ass is too sore....must get up and...pee..bladder getting full..very painful
who will get me food?...can't possibly leave computer!!
....need to get away't help myself...any..longer...

Thursday, March 16, 2006

HUGE lot of romance novels-trade for cloth diapers/cloth diaper stuff

I have about 150-160 romance novels for sale. Most are Harlequin, Silhoutte, some Avon, etc. I will trade for cloth diapers or diapering stuff.

Get the joke? Romance novels -> Sex -> Baby -> Responsibility.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

To the person who left their computer in the trash on 7th Ave

To the person who left their old computer out on the street for the trash men on 7th Ave:

You left the hard driver in there, and as a dutiful techie and recycler I just scavanged it, hooked it up, and..

well.. dude - for you clearly _are_ a guy - you really need to get out more. ;-)

I respect your privacy, and am about to reformat it, but I have to say.. you like some sick-ass websites. ;-)

Thanks for the entertainment!


Monday, March 13, 2006

Coolest Girl Ever Seeks Same...

"definitely the coolest girl in the bay area, if not the entire western hemisphere!"
---new york times

"humble as pie. really arrogant pie."
---the Montclarion

"shockingly brilliant, yet disturbingly smart-assed"
---utne reader

"i desire her friendship more than i desire bejeweled platinum jewelry"
---p. diddy

"the best writer since francine pascal and ann m. martin, hands down."
---"highlights for children"

"sexier than robert plant and britney spears spears wrestling beneath a glorious waterfall of olive oil and glitter"
---justin timberlake

"more fun to listen to than most music, creed and dave matthews excluded"
---the guy from creed and a guy who likes dave matthews

"friendly as a kitten on ecstasy, minus the fur and glowstick"

"i would come out of my secret hiding place just for a chance at her friendship."
---VP dick cheney

"i'm just glad she lets me borrow her clothes"
---chloe sevigny

"unable to go eight minutes without a pop culture reference that clearly indicates her age of 23. a delightful young lady who desires some lady friends with whom i can hang out; zoom around the east and west bay; go to dive-y bars that have good music and strong drinks; watch things (such as people, movies, family ties, clouds, boiling water, growing grass, progressing politics, unfortunate fashion trends, the litter and scum layer that floats on lake merritt, etc.); talk about cool books that we have read/are reading/pretend to have read ("yeah, i LIKED foucault's first one, but it was his other one that really grabbed me"..."yeah i agree, but it's 'ulysses' that i come back to again and again"), likewise with music and interesting facts and general life observations...please be able to spell, vote, name at least four world leaders, and tell when i am being sarcastic and when i am being sarcastic."

i look forward to making your aquaintance, new best friends whom i have yet to meet. we shall have so much fun. don't delay--i can hear the banging at the door, can sense my inbox swelling. act within a reasonable amount of time and receive a handy carrying case AND a limited edition american flag musical plate that plays "kashmir."


Sunday, March 12, 2006

Unconditional Lust

Act now and receive 50% off.

For the first time only, you can save on a limited supply of unconditional lust. This normally costs as much as three dinners, two movies, one day window shopping, three hours hiking, one stomachache from laughing too much, four days of kissing, 368 witty responses, one night dancing, and non-stop attention. Act now and save 50% with this coupon. In order to redeem this coupon, you must comment the following information back to qualify*.

-Do you like drama (why or why not)?
-How many women do you date at one time?
-How old do you act?
-How old do you look?
-How old are you (optional)?
-Do you own a U-Haul or have an account with them?
-Do you have any extra toasters at your house? If so, how many?
-What are your opinions on the lesbian community's term for "good looking"?
-Do you smoke, drink, do drugs?
-What do you think of Mullets?
-What was the last book, magazine, and news paper you read?
-If your answer to reading was "what?", What was the last TV show you watched?
-What is your favorite music genre?
-What were the last 5 MP3's you downloaded (If you don't know what MP3's are, think C3PO on Star Wars)?
-Do you play a musical instrument?
-If you could be a famous actor or actress, who would you want to be?
-Do you play sports
-If so, which one(s)?
-Do you play billiards, eight-ball, nine-ball, straight, or snooker?
-What was the longest time period between dating (another words, longest time single)?
-Do you work out?
-How many hair colors have you dyed your hair?
-Do you skate, snowboard, surf, wakeboard - dude?
-What vegetable do you dislike the most?
-How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

*You must be a lesbian over the physical age of 25 to qualify. Men are automatically disqualified. Bi and transgender female are encouraged to apply, but qualifications are at the discretion of management.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Wanna Sweat With Me?!

This is the skinny (no pun intended):

I'm a cute, playful, intelligent, sensual, honest, optimistic, successful, single chick ... with a FAT ASS!

I'm 5'9 and weigh about 200 (well-proportioned) pounds. That means, instead of a boyfriend or lover, what I REALLY need is a great workout buddy, right?! (Then again ... if I'm lucky ... I might get a package deal!)

I have my own toys (see below for one example), have a hot tub that can soothe our overworked, sore muscles, and would love to make a new friend who's willing to MOTIVATE ME in to ACTION! Your job (should you choose to take it) is to get me moving in the right fitness direction! In return, you get to use my weight set, have a few laughs, and start your day out with a pretty cool chick!

If you live nearby and would like to save a few bucks on your gym membership, hows about swinging on over to my house on the way to work to sweat with me?! I prefer to work out / walk / bike in the EARLY morning (before 6 AM).

What say you? Wanna' sweat with me?!


Ten simple fitness facts (as they apply to me):

1) I was a long-distance runner until 1991.
2) I trashed my knees running on concrete.
3) I started working way too hard (and WAY too late)!
4) I got complacent (I'm a runner! I'll ALWAYS be skinny!).
5) I got older and my metabolism crash-landed.
6) I've gained approximately 6 pounds per year for 11 years.
7) Simple math yields a sum of 66 pounds gained!
8) My ideal weight is 130.
9) I've got a long way to go.
10) I have GREAT potential to be built like a BRICK SHITHOUSE! =O)


Hurry! Before it's too late! Help create a masterpiece!

Friday, March 10, 2006

Toilet Bowl Brush - $4

Nice used toilet bowl brush with white scallop shaped plastic holder for sale.

Brush handle is crooked to reach the hard places.
The brushhead is circular, blue bristles at the tip and the rest are white. The tip bristles are sorta flattened out from use, but still highly effective in performing the job for which they were designed. It also has a soft grip that is shaped to fit your hand..this is leading edge bowlbrush technology.

This is a really nice brush, and the scallop-shaped holder just completes the upscale look of your toilet accessories (even if it is just plastic)

Well, what more can i say about this fine item? The only reason i am considering selling it is because i got a different style one for free that the neighbors left when they moved. For a while i had both in my bathroom and now i have decided that due to my need for cash i will part with this beloved brush and scallop holder.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Haggish, Embittered Angry Chick Seeks Arrogant, Self Centered Man

I mean, why gloss over our issues, why not *wallow* in them?

Given that all the good men are taken and those left over are those who should be left over, and somehow I, in all my cuteness and perfection, forgot that marriage and family actually keeps a woman from wanting to commit suicide or dying young in an overheated assisted living facility, okay, well maybe that's wrong, but actually keeps a woman...hell, never mind. Anyway given that I actually forgot about the marriage and children part until a year ago, then woke up to the fact that all the good men were taken...but still wanted companionship and one baby, maybe...

...I still find myself half-assedly cruising the personals in the newspaper looking for ONE MAN who's looking for something more than a blow job in high heels. Hope springs psychotic.

I am hot, brown hair and eyes, look a little like whatshername in "Funny Face" on a good day, smart, bored, funny. Never married, no children. No issues beyond mystification and impatience, and slight emotional intimacy terror. Looking for grown-up man [howl] who is NOT terrified of my stealing his soul or bank account, interested, in the face of all adversity in finding someone to talk to and be friends with, and then maybe have sex with, and then maybe read the paper with, and then maybe discuss partnership with. I estimate that this will take about 25 years to develop to the partnership- discussion phase.

You could be: irreverent, self-deprecating, brilliant or just quick on the uptake, established in your life, secure not smug, open, reasonably easy on the eyes, poor as a churchmouse or rich as a failed dotcommer CEO with an excellent golden parachute, able to deflect sarcasm and boundary pushing with a single droll comment...and a cat lover who has read Michael Ondaatje.

Or you could be someone completely else. I am high-maintenance verbally, low-maintenance logistically. The rest is impossible to detail with any accuracy in an ad.

Tell me what you think (if it's not designed to blow my ego to bits) and we'll process this interminably and maybe meet for...caramel squares or something.


Monday, March 06, 2006

N Judah Haikus

too afraid to scream
back door please, back door
i keep on riding

during the delay
some people read and others
watch some people read

the metallic worm
funnels through our cement tomb
right steps going down

the fat driver eats
Taco Bell and KFC
the same company

you are beautiful
the way you lean on the glass
with neck like dove's crane

the punks always smell
that is their statement i guess
please take a shower

automatic mode
is a mode in which things run
according to fate

i get off the train
still thinking about your face
we would get along

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Luscious Geek--we slept together--you had to be at work by 4 AM

My Sweet,

I woke up and you were gone! Tore the house up but couldn't find you anywhere. I forgot to tell you I'm falling madly in love with you. The passions we shared this weekend--I confess, I've been dorkwhipped!
But you left so early--was it something I said? something I did? something I poured on you and licked off?

Perhaps you don't understand the depth of my passion. Well let me tell you:
I would face my technophobia for you! I'd learn to bank online. I'd even stop calling 1-800 numbers and find what I need on the web, just pleeeeeease come back to me! I need my very own computer geek.

My printer is still broken and I plan to be very VERY grateful when you get it working again. Yes, you are the skilled technician to fix everything that ails me. You have the hands of a musician, and the concentration of a brain surgeon. I've got an a: drive that wants your to have disk inside--I promise to use virus protection--oh, download me, baby!

Am I coming on too strong? Is that what sent you out into the night? Please forgive me for being so wanton, but you bring it out in me. Can we please play the naughty computer store salesgirl and the curious consumer just one more time? Will you surf my web? install that hard drive? kiss me and murmur obscure programming commands in my ear?

Only you have the password to this account. I knew my only chance would be to post something online.

passionately awaiting your next email,


Friday, March 03, 2006

Narcoleptic Alcoholic Nymphomaniac Needs Help to Fill in the Blanks

I am at a loss. I cannot find my wallet nor my shoes. I woke up this morning in a place called India Basin?? I was wearing a suit that lit up and played "When the saints come marching in". I don't own any clothing that plays music. If this is yours please post a comment. I have a few questions for you.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Hungry Girl Seeks Foreign Chef

I am looking for:
a man who loves to cook.
under 32
someone who wants to try out their recipes on me
Must speak intermediate english, spanish or russian. Better than intermediate is fine too.

Young, Hot, Sexy
I'm pretty, american chick with blonde hair
I speak spanish and russian
I am not fat yet.. I hope you can do somthing about that Mr. Chef.

If you were born in the USA you will not be considered