Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Shrill Frigid Nag Seeks Unemployable Shemp w/Breath Like Hot Garbage

My ideal man takes me to the park to amuse ourselves by pretending to have Tourette Syndrome when kids or parents are within earshot. "SPERM BURPING WHORE!!!" He shaves a marriage proposal into his backhair. He promises to always "love me", even if he has no teeth and has to gum me. Will he gum me when I'm old and my hoo hoo smells like 1st & Beale at low tide?
He won't mind watching Temptation Island while sorting the packages we got from carjacking that UPS truck. He won't mind that doc sez my rash will clear up "real soon".

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

His Name is Not George

Hello, how are you,
Thanks for clicking and reading –
This post’s for a guy
Who is really worth meeting:

He’s a great catch and a good friend of mine
Who works long hours and simply doesn’t have time
To find a sweet girl, so for him I endeavor
If his description intrigues, you truly know never…

“I’m posting your info,” I tell him, “on Craigslist.”
As expected, his voice is raised to fast protest –

'Craigslist is fun, and I don’t intend to be mean…
But I really don’t think cyber-dating’s my scene.'

“A good point,” I acknowledge, “but please keep in mind:
Even though virtual, who knows what you’ll find?”

And then,

A nod! His permission is granted!
Girls, listen up, this guy is fantastic.

The City is proud to call him one of her own,
(it’s so rare these days to find a native at home).
He knows the way from Broadway to Lake
Wouldn’t a tour make a pretty fun date?

Or perhaps you’d prefer to kick back with a beer,
Conversation comes easy to this engineer.
Yes, a degree from Berkeley but don’t think he’s a nerd,
He’s up to go out and down to party. (Yo, word).

In fact, his intelligence is such to warrant conceit,
Yet he remains modest, surely no tiny feat.
And speaking of feet, his are quite big…
(Take this statement as you wish ~ you dig?)

Though he claims to be shy, an observer of others,
You will be comfortable having him as a friend and/or lover.
His touch is gentle, he only bites on request,
And the fantasies he inspires may be your best yet.

Enough of this poem: no justice does it do,
If a match is in sight, let him know who are you.
Send him an email to set up a date –
Girls grab him now, before it’s too late!

It is best if you are also in your early 20s, college-educated, intelligent, friendly, passionate, talented in a particular arena, funny (or can appreciate humor and love to laugh), fairly sane, well-traveled or at least interested in the world beyond your social sphere, and looking for a fun date but not a serious relationship.

Note: Please don’t judge him based on the poem (honestly, my poetry skills are lacking to an embarrassing degree). For the record, I'm a girl and I vouch for him completely:

He is such a good person ~ has a kind soul, knows just how to hug a girl, and sometimes, as you go about your day, you will catch yourself smiling. You will catch yourself smiling, almost on the verge of giggling, of laughing aloud. And you will, at this moment, realize that you are thinking about him. So please write ~ you probably deserve a great guy.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Enemies Wanted

Life is getting boring, so I am looking for a few good enemies to stir things up. Let's talk behind each others back, blackmail each other, call up each other's bosses and destroy our lives. Are you up for it? You must have experience. I need at least 2 references from people that will not step into the same room as you. If your parents have disowned you thats a plus.

Friday, April 07, 2006

You stole my stereo and the key to my heart, er, CAR

Ah, yes, I don't remember seeing you, in fact I never did...but I wonder if we've made parting glances on the streets. I bet you were wearing black and a sexy ball cap, and my oh my you have an awfully BIG screwdriver. I know because you used it to break your way in through the lock.

You were so kind to leave a few bits and pieces of items broken off on the floor of the passenger side. You did indeed get to my stereo, and I know you'll absolutely love the way it plays. Let it always remind you of my undying devotion to the CD that is inside. You'll note that the Indigo Girls were playing the last time I was in the car, and that the CD was from a very kind friend who helped me through some rough times I faced before. I hope that it means as much to you as it did to me.

And then, you had to be so kind to leave the door ajar, running my battery down, emotionally and physically. To top it off, you certainly left an impression, messing with my brain (of the car), stealing the Electronic chip that would have allowed me to drive to the Police Station, after the tow man came and talked about what you had done to so many others...I should have heeded his warnings.

Well, my new found passion, I'm sure I'll see you in my dreams, well, rather, on the bus, where I'll be riding because I can't move my car. I thought true love was expensive, but for the $100 you get for that stereo, I know that you'll see someday, there's much more profit in the otherside of the business. You too could make $100 for using that screwdriver in other ways, perhaps repairing the damage you've done to so many others.

I hope to see you someday, and I hope you'll see me, and you'll know exactly who I am...I am everyone in the world...I am everyone and you are alone and cannot be with everyone because you are against them.

God bless you, my newfound passion. and please, God bless me.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Dinner whore?

I'm a woman. Sometimes I go on dates. Often, dates involve dinner. I almost always offer to throw in some cash. Usually the guy who asked me out won't accept my money. If I don't want to go out with him again, should I mail him my half of the check in an envelope? Am I a 'dinner whore' if i don't? I don't think so.

It's hard to find that chemistry we all seek. It's hard for men, and it's hard for us women. The first date is to see if we feel anything for each other. If I don't feel we clicked, I don't want to waste my time or your time by going on a second date. Maybe that's the case with the girls you call "dinner whores." They just don't really want another date with you. I doubt they'd endure all that awful, awkward getting-to-know-you chitchat just for a free dinner. A bad date (even over lobster) is as boring as a timeshare seminar, and timeshare seminars at least offer you a free week in Vegas at the end of the presentation. Christ, people.

Aside from a few sociopaths, women aren't predatory creatures scheming of ways to seperate you from your cash. Shit, if we can afford to live in San Francisco, we can afford our own dinners. Like you, we're just fumbling along, hoping we find someone cute and fun who won't hurt us too much.