Monday, March 20, 2006

You Ruined My Poo

Yes that's right you ruined my poo. I don't know if it's always you, but after today I imagine it is. Everyday I go to the toilet after lunch to take a nice enjoyable crap. I walk in and if no one is in there I enter a stall pull out a couple butt gaskets, wipe down the seat, drop my pants and plant my ass comfortably on the seat.

I relax and let the poo fall out. I of course then do the courteous thing and flush making sure I or no one else has to stew in my stink. Just when I feel some more poo about to fall you come in. I let it fall and promptly perform the courtesy flush. Why? Because I don't want to sit and smell it so down it goes. You enter the stall. Not just any stall you have to pick the one next to mine! Why!? There are 2 others further away and you choose the one next to me! I'm bothered, but not quite finished yet so I stay there . I now try to speed up the process. Without making great grunting noises I move things along. You on the other hand don't care what noises come out of you. What did you eat!? Geze! it sounds like you're going to blow the bowl away right out from under your ass!. Grunting and breathing deeply through your whistling nose. It hits the water and you don't flush!! Please Please!!! Learn to flush!! The smell of course reaches my stall and you don't seem to care. You like your own brand I guess, but why subject everyone else to it? Flush damn it!

Quickly I'm trying to finish when I hear your phone ring. To my great surprise you bloody answer it. You answer the phone while you're sitting on the crapper, geze what the heck is wrong with you? So there I am finishing up and listening to you talk on the phone. Can the other person not hear the resonance of the bathroom? Do they not hear the occasional fart rip into the hollow of the bowl? What could you possibly be thinking? What could they be possibly be thinking? Not just any call it sounds like a freaking business call, not your wife, not your girlfriend, not your boyfriend not your mom, but a freaking business call.."yes Phil, I'll send you an e-mail regarding the figures on the Marconi account".

It is at that moment I decide. I finish and before you can hang up I have made the decision. I want the caller to know what kind of freak you are. I decide to just do it.

I flush!! The glorious sound reverberates throughout the room. Before I know it I do it again.

there you bastard! Maybe that will learn you.

41 Comments:

At Monday, March 20, 2006 11:17:00 PM, Blogger Bzbiff said...

ohmyfreakingod!!! I am laughing so hard I am crying!!!

 
At Monday, March 20, 2006 11:31:00 PM, Blogger Sonny Shine said...

I think I have been in that situation before! This must be one of those true life stories because it's happend to me before. :)

 
At Monday, March 20, 2006 11:54:00 PM, Blogger Diggatron said...

This blog is flippin' hilarious!

Check out my band! You will like it!

myspace.com/backyardsympathy

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:39:00 AM, Blogger PinkyMonster said...

You're funny! I'm definitely coming back for more! :)

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 7:56:00 AM, Blogger Vengelyne said...

Ignorance is bliss, perhaps?

I've a phobia of bring the mobile phone into the toilet. Had mine dropped into a toilet bowl once and I think I'm pretty much traumatised for life after that... :|

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 8:25:00 AM, Blogger Shortie said...

Can you help me find
A life?
W/B at
www.shortieandshorty.blogspot.com
imma babe!

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 9:44:00 AM, Blogger mellanman said...

It's all so true! I was unaware that you and I worked in the same building. The surprising thing is not that the phone was answered, but that it's not he first time it has happened. I don't care if my wife is calling to tell me she is going into labor. I'll finish up first before calling back.

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 9:53:00 AM, Blogger TEM said...

You have made my day. I bow and worship your talents.

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 10:15:00 AM, Blogger Real said...

That is the funniest thing I have read all day, I will try and post something funy tonight on my blog, I am that inspired.

It is really small!

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 11:22:00 AM, Anonymous grrl_05 said...

ROTFLMAO !!!!!!!!

thank you

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 12:24:00 PM, Blogger GC (God's Child) said...

oh my gosh--this needs to appear in the newspaper as a public service. There's always one at every company.
Sometimes I can't even pee when someone comes and sits next to me.

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 12:59:00 PM, Blogger Useless Man said...

ROCK ON! If he ruined your POO, let that flush ruin his promotion!

Hooray! Hooray for you!

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 3:07:00 PM, Blogger XSRocks said...

He offends you by taking a stall next to you? When did taking a dump require so much privacy? You're afraid he might hear you or smell you? You need some professional help!

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 3:38:00 PM, Blogger Onanite said...

Way too much freaking information....

Onanite

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:27:00 PM, Blogger Livingston Seagull said...

i like your blog.. its too funny.. heheheh served that fella right!

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 6:23:00 PM, Blogger Christi said...

hahaha..loves it! i would have flushed too. i am here at school, and every time i'm in the shower, the girls don't even wash their hands. ICK!
*air kisses*

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 6:24:00 PM, Blogger BinnieBee said...

I disagree with the blogger that said TMI and that YOU were the one with the problem! It pisses me off when I am in a stall with a tummy-ache and someone comes in and takes a stall next to me. For God's sake, Women! There are four others NOT next to mine, all empty! Why crowd my privacy unless it is unavoidable???
I realize men are not as, uh, "picky" about their bathroom habits as women (I could NEVER pee in front another woman, and can barely pee if one is in the same public bathroom!) but the poo thing is a terrible experience in a public restroom! Unfortunately, sometimes these things just come up at inopportune times of the day.
Good for you for flushing and outing your bathroom partner! :)

BinnieBee

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 6:52:00 PM, Blogger Jeffrey said...

Well-told piece.... is it OK too link to your blog?

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 7:57:00 PM, Blogger lmcd said...

OMG WHAT THE FUCK???????????? THAT WAS SO FUNNY DID THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN TO U?

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 8:07:00 PM, Anonymous My Jokes and Funny Stories said...

To the last comment: Easy on the caps.

Regarding the few comments on linking to this blog. No need to ask. Linking to this blog is a good idea. It can never do harm.

Interesting feedback anyways. Diggartron stop spamming everyone's blog. I don't care about your band and I will not check it out.

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 8:44:00 PM, Anonymous MissK said...

Everytime I think about public bathrooms, Oprah comes to mind. She once told everyone on the air that when she goes pee in a public place, she puts a few layers of toilet paper in the surface of the toilet water to "buffer" the sound of her pee hitting the water when she pisses. This was about 8 years ago. I stopped watching her at that point I think.

Perhaps you should invent a "shit silencer"? Something to attach to ones ass if taking a dump in a public place to muffle the noises. You can have the inside of it lined with some biodegradable type of plastic (like those Diaper Gennie things) that twists and locks the 'product' inside to seal the scent. Call it "Fresh Flush Shit Silencer" ?

 
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 10:00:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Purely a test post for stupid online balloting sorry if you thought i cared

 
At Wednesday, March 22, 2006 6:43:00 AM, Blogger Dette said...

That is so true! Imagine if they had eaten something which didn't agree with them! That would have me changing position on the toilet! * green tinge :( *

 
At Wednesday, March 22, 2006 7:02:00 AM, Blogger guerrilla blogger said...

right on...that was fukcing hilarious...glad i'm not the only one that happens to...

 
At Wednesday, March 22, 2006 7:48:00 AM, Blogger ashjude said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At Wednesday, March 22, 2006 7:51:00 AM, Blogger ashjude said...

thank god i always play loud music as i can't hear noisey crap ..... you can try........my blog ....
www.picknsave.blogspot.com

we avoid crap........!!!!!!!

 
At Wednesday, March 22, 2006 8:42:00 AM, Blogger Magz said...

that was disgusting... but absolutely hilarious! fricken awesome man!

 
At Wednesday, March 22, 2006 8:43:00 AM, Blogger Magz said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At Wednesday, March 22, 2006 8:43:00 AM, Blogger Magz said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At Wednesday, March 22, 2006 3:14:00 PM, Blogger Altair - 映昔台 said...

Actually men has a far more complicated algorithm on choosing which urinal to use when there are 1+ of them are occupied.

 
At Wednesday, March 22, 2006 9:03:00 PM, Blogger Castor Jarvis said...

Water. Water. Toilets were invented with water so that crap became chocolate ice-cream after impact. So, the smell must be something else. Only two reasons come to mind. 1) Floaters. Floaters are stench-ridden. 2) Gas. Even a courtesy flush can't kill the gas.

 
At Thursday, March 23, 2006 2:31:00 AM, Blogger Timster said...

very very funny stuff, was grinning as you were winning!will check out your site again..the shit story reminds me of when my mate recorded the horrendous sound of him shitting and put it as a ringtone on my mobile!! i was at the bar ordering beers unaware, and later that day my phone went off in front of a group of women i was chatting to at the bar!!

 
At Thursday, March 23, 2006 10:09:00 AM, Blogger thedeviluno said...

Thats how you handle that

 
At Friday, March 24, 2006 10:24:00 AM, Blogger Taz said...

What a great story...Thanks for the laughs

 
At Friday, March 24, 2006 1:46:00 PM, Blogger Lothian said...

hil.ar.ious!!! So funny, although I work retail and hate going into the ladies room when it smells like a farm.

 
At Saturday, March 25, 2006 2:45:00 AM, Blogger Imperfect said...

that was fucking hilarious!!! damn...hehe
u r good! liked ur blog ...
rock on

 
At Saturday, March 25, 2006 9:14:00 PM, Blogger Trish said...

Most people do not do the courtesy flush. Most leave their remains floating in the bowl.
I've actually had to coax roommates into this practice. What kind of people are we raising?

 
At Saturday, March 25, 2006 10:10:00 PM, Blogger Bailey said...

haha nice post. disgusting, but nice. :P

 
At Sunday, March 26, 2006 11:41:00 AM, Blogger the other cold one said...

Hey! I worked in a bar, and as the most recently arrived employee, got the task of cleaning the 'Jacks' (this was in Cork in Southern Ireland). The women's toilet was always in a far worse state than the mens. Stiletto heels in the hot air dryer, floaters, lipstick graffiti on the mirrors, and I won't share with you where I had to retrieve a heavily used tampon from. The men's had a few stray pubes in the urinals and that was it.......

 
At Sunday, March 26, 2006 4:52:00 PM, Blogger optimistic curmudgeon said...

Flush on Sista Soldier; flush on!!!!!

Wish you could have added a couple other sounds too (but you're way to classy to stoop that low). Keep doing the right thing.
I don't mind people who use tissue around the seat, just wish they wouldn't be so courteous and leave it for me every time. Just flush it! chip.

 
At Tuesday, April 04, 2006 2:08:00 PM, Blogger Marie said...

You are sooooo funny!

 

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